Surely at some time or another every person alive has fantasized about how much different–and how much better–this old world would be if he or she were in complete control. I know I have had such fantasies. Often. (And the fact that I am a bit of a control freak has nothing to do with it!)
Don’t get me wrong; I am grateful for the world I live in and for the country and community I call home. I am very fortunate, and I know it. But sometimes I am also very annoyed. Perturbed. Frustrated. Dumbfounded. And occasionally I am just downright ticked at the way the world operates, and I know–I just know–that life would be much sweeter if I were the one in charge. I would set a few things straight, by golly.
In my fantasy world, I would make the rules, and I would decide the consequences for violating those rules (and, believe me, I would enjoy inflicting consequences!). In my fantasy world, I would allow democratic ideals to persist when those ideals suited my desires; the rest of the time I would have absolute, unlimited power (Queen Karen has a nice, alliterative ring to it, don’t you think?).
In my fantasy world,
- No one will ever even consider protesting at a funeral–military or otherwise–because it will be understood that the right to freedom of speech can never trump the responsibility of human decency.
- Cigarette production will cease immediately. My apologies to my cigarette-smoking friends, but perhaps “cold turkey” is the best way for you to once and for all kiss that addiction a glorious goodbye. You know you want to anyway, and I know that I and everyone else around you will breathe easier as a result.
- Cancer and all other debilitating diseases will be eliminated–immediately and forever.
- Childhood obesity will be wiped out as well because all televisions, computers, cell phones, and video games will be put on very restrictive timers, thereby forcing children to get off the couch and find more productive ways to alleviate their boredom.
- No parent will ever bury a child.
- No child will grow up in a house where he or she is unloved or neglected. No child will grow up in a house where a parent’s need to get his or her next fix, next drink, or next “companion” is more important than meeting the basic needs of the child.
- Good educators will be paid a salary comparable to that of other professionals (doctors, lawyers, basketball stars). Poor educators (and even I have to admit there are a few out there) will be escorted into other professions where their inadequacies will not affect the future of our nation’s children.
- Ingredients and directions on all containers will be printed large enough that even bifocal-wearing old ladies will be able to read them without assistance and, therefore, without making critical errors in recipe interpretations.
- Everyone who wants and needs a job will have one. Everyone with a legitimate disability who is unable to work will receive adequate assistance. But everyone who is just too darn lazy to seek and keep employment will be faced with a very basic, simple choice–work or starve.
- Gas prices will be based on actual cost, not on speculation. And alternative energy sources will be successfully created and implemented, driving those costs down even further. (And I will have a team of scientists dedicated solely to the task of harvesting the sweat produced by junior high boys and hot-flashing, middle-aged women and converting it to a viable, never-ending energy source!)
- Men who bully women (verbally, physically, mentally) will be chained and thrown into a gymnasium filled with pre-menstrual members of the “weaker sex” carrying baseball bats and tire irons. Men who survive that beating (few will) will then be thrown into a snake-infested pit and stoned by angry, menopausal women carrying granite boulders and long-held grudges.
- Anyone who abuses children will be gut shot and left for the buzzards and other beasts of prey to feast upon.
- Someone will invent fat-free cheese dip, french fries, and chocolate that will taste even better than their fat-saturated counterparts.
- Weight will be as easy to lose as it is to gain.
- The media will no longer waste precious airtime covering the private lives of spoiled celebrities. And when their attention-seeking antics are no longer daily fodder, Charlie Sheen and Lindsey Lohan (and countless others like them) will either be forced to fade into oblivion or to GROW UP.
- All adults will be required to successfully complete classes on interpreting body language in the hope that mind-numbingly boring people will recognize when those around them are trying desperately to escape. They will come to understand that when their listeners/victims are yawning excessively, glancing away repeatedly, drumming fingers, tapping toes, checking watches, and slowly backing away, those listeners/victims are NOT encouraging them to continue with their monotonous monologue.
- Insurance companies will never have the power to negate a doctor’s medical directive.
- The St. Louis Cardinals will win the World Series in 2011 and 2012, and Albert Pujols will remain a productive member of the team until he retires.
- All undergarments will remain discreetly hidden “under garments.” (Call me crazy, but I’m pretty sure that was the original intention.) No longer will my eyes be assaulted by the sighting of pink bra straps (or, even worse, dinghy white ones), purple thongs, or gray knit boxers.
- Generic elevator and grocery store “Muzak” will be replaced with recognizable classic rock. (“A long, long time ago . . . I can still remember how that music used to make me smile. And I knew if I had my chance that I could make those people dance and, maybe, they’d be happy for a while.” Grocery shopping would be a much more enjoyable experience if we could dance and sing along in the aisles!)
- Television commercials will be broadcast at the same volume as the programs they interrupt.
- Dogs will not bark during the night unless their purpose is to warn their owners of impending danger. They will also understand that squirrels, armadillos, deer, raccoons, opossums, and stray cats do not represent impending danger.
Oh, there will be many more rules and regulations under my reign, but the above changes are probably enough for starters until the other inhabitants of my fantasy world are suitably acclimated. I realize that not everyone may agree with my rules, and I certainly respect and appreciate their opinions. Those people need to remember, though, that this is MY fantasy world, and they are more than welcome to re-locate elsewhere!