If you’ve spent any time on Facebook recently, then you’ve probably seen those “ecard” cartoons that begin with a seemingly ridiculous statement followed by the comment “said no one ever.” You know, like, “Wow. That’s a nice lookin’ pair of Crocs, said no one ever.” Or how about, “Wow, that Lean Cuisine really filled me up, said no one ever.”
I probably shouldn’t admit this, but I love those cartoons. They appeal to my sarcastic nature that I normally try to keep hidden, and they make me snicker. I thought it would be fun to compile my own list of ridiculous statements that will most likely never be spoken with any degree of sincerity. Please, insert your own “said no one ever” at the end of each one to get the intended effect . . .
Hey, little guy sitting behind me in church–can you kick the pew a little harder? Maybe with the next jolt you can jar my spine back into alignment.
Wow, isn’t this humidity simply divine? And don’t you just love the feel of sweat-soaked undergarments plastered to your skin?! I know I do!
Gray is really your color!
Who needs chocolate when brussel sprouts are so much more satisfying?
No, really, please tell me all about your recent bout of explosive diarrhea–the details are fascinating!
You know, you can get some really good fashion ideas from the peopleofwalmart.com website.
Thank you for making up and spreading lies about me–you’ve made my life sound so much more interesting than it really is!
When it comes to sexy, 50 is the new 20. Everybody knows that.
Why can’t they make the commercials louder so I can still hear them when I run to the bathroom?
There’s no way these doctor’s scales are right–they’re showing me five pounds lighter than the scales at home do. Here, let me put my shoes back on . . .
I wish Monday would hurry and get here–this weekend has been just too dang long!
Yeah, I guess George Clooney and Brad Pitt are okay–if you like pretty boys. But that Rodney Dangerfield–now, there’s a REAL hottie!
So, when can your muffin top hook up with my beer belly?
“Achy Breaky Heart” is the greatest song EVER!
You must be SO proud of your dog Rover! Why, he barked and barked and barked at imaginary creatures of the night until he got every other dog in the neighborhood to join in–what tremendous leadership! Bravo, Rover!
I know we’ve never met, and you’re just some creepy old guy whose name I don’t even know, but yeah, I’d love to be friends with you on Facebook.
Wow, this elevator music makes me want to bust a move!
Hey, before you hand over that hundred bucks I asked to borrow, I should probably tell you that I have no intentions of paying you back–ever–so thanks in advance for understanding and not bugging me about it!
Who wants to go to the men’s room with me?
I finally have my stockpile of brain cells down to a manageable size.
Real biker dudes ride pink Harleys and paint daisies on the gas tank–you got a problem with that?
You have the sexiest double chin I’ve ever seen.
I wish you kids would quit calling home so much. I seriously thought when you moved out that I wouldn’t have to talk to you anymore.
Sweetie, that purse looks really heavy–here, let me carry it for you.
You know, there just aren’t enough political campaign ads on TV these days.
By golly, if all of your friends are doing it, then you should be able to do it, too.
I wish I would get migraines more often–the excruciating pain takes my mind off all my other problems.
Would you please keep smacking your gum? Normally, I would find such behavior annoying, but it’s really cute when you do it.
Why would anyone want to be a “long, cool woman in a black dress” when she could be a “short, stubby woman in a paisley pantsuit” instead? I just don’t get it.
Can you please step a little closer into my personal space bubble? I’m not getting the full effect of your morning coffee and bacon breath . . . ahh, that’s better.
How am I supposed to multi-task when my internet connection is so darn fast that I don’t have time to do anything else while my files are loading? This is so annoying!
Darn it! I didn’t get picked for jury duty AGAIN!
I just saw Snooki, Megan Fox and Jessica Simpson tearin’ it up on Jeopardy! And Snooki just jumped into the lead by answering a question on molecular engineering for $1,000!
Do these jeans make my butt look too small?
I’m sorry, Boss, but I just wouldn’t feel right accepting that raise; you guys are paying me way too much already.
Instead of a two-minute email exchange between all necessary parties, can we please have a tedious, hour-long meeting to discuss at length the imaginary merits of your ridiculous proposal? Can we, can we, can we?!
Gee, that mammogram felt amazing! Can we do it again?
Okay, now it’s your turn . . . share your own “said no one ever” statements and make me snicker! C’mon, you can do it!
“I would rather be at work than floating down the river,” said no one ever.