Said No One Ever

If you’ve spent any time on Facebook recently, then you’ve probably seen those “ecard” cartoons that begin with a seemingly ridiculous statement followed by the comment “said no one ever.” You know, like, “Wow.  That’s a nice lookin’ pair of Crocs, said no one ever.”  Or how about, “Wow, that Lean Cuisine really filled me up, said no one ever.”

I probably shouldn’t admit this, but I love those cartoons.  They appeal to my sarcastic nature that I normally try to keep hidden, and they make me snicker.  I thought it would be fun to compile my own list of ridiculous statements that will most likely never be spoken with any degree of sincerity.  Please, insert your own “said no one ever” at the end of each one to get the intended effect . . .

Hey, little guy sitting behind me in church–can you kick the pew a little harder?  Maybe with the next jolt you can jar my spine back into alignment.

Wow, isn’t this humidity simply divine?  And don’t you just love the feel of sweat-soaked undergarments plastered to your skin?!  I know I do!

Gray is really your color!

Who needs chocolate when brussel sprouts are so much more satisfying?

No, really, please tell me all about your recent bout of explosive diarrhea–the details are fascinating!

You know, you can get some really good fashion ideas from the website.

Thank you for making up and spreading lies about me–you’ve made my life sound so much more interesting than it really is!

When it comes to sexy, 50 is the new 20.  Everybody knows that.

Why can’t they make the commercials louder so I can still hear them when I run to the bathroom?

There’s no way these doctor’s scales are right–they’re showing me five pounds lighter than the scales at home do.  Here, let me put my shoes back on . . .

I wish Monday would hurry and get here–this weekend has been just too dang long!

Yeah, I guess George Clooney and Brad Pitt are okay–if you like pretty boys.  But that Rodney Dangerfield–now, there’s a REAL hottie!

So, when can your muffin top hook up with my beer belly?

“Achy Breaky Heart” is the greatest song EVER!

You must be SO proud of your dog Rover!  Why, he barked and barked and barked at imaginary creatures of the night until he got every other dog in the neighborhood to join in–what tremendous leadership!  Bravo, Rover!

I know we’ve never met, and you’re just some creepy old guy whose name I don’t even know, but yeah, I’d love to be friends with you on Facebook.

Wow, this elevator music makes me want to bust a move!

Hey, before you hand over that hundred bucks I asked to borrow, I should probably tell you that I have no intentions of paying you back–ever–so thanks in advance for understanding and not bugging me about it!

Who wants to go to the men’s room with me?

I finally have my stockpile of brain cells down to a manageable size.

Real biker dudes ride pink Harleys and paint daisies on the gas tank–you got a problem with that?

You have the sexiest double chin I’ve ever seen.

I wish you kids would quit calling home so much.  I seriously thought when you moved out that I wouldn’t have to talk to you anymore.

Sweetie, that purse looks really heavy–here, let me carry it for you.

You know, there just aren’t enough political campaign ads on TV these days.

By golly, if all of your friends are doing it, then you should be able to do it, too.

I wish I would get migraines more often–the excruciating pain takes my mind off all my other problems.

Would you please keep smacking your gum?  Normally, I would find such behavior annoying, but it’s really cute when you do it.

Why would anyone want to be a “long, cool woman in a black dress” when she could be a “short, stubby woman in a paisley pantsuit” instead?  I just don’t get it.

Can you please step a little closer into my personal space bubble?  I’m not getting the full effect of your morning coffee and bacon breath . . . ahh, that’s better.

How am I supposed to multi-task when my internet connection is so darn fast that I don’t have time to do anything else while my files are loading?  This is so annoying!

Darn it!  I didn’t get picked for jury duty AGAIN!

I just saw Snooki, Megan Fox and Jessica Simpson tearin’ it up on Jeopardy!  And Snooki just jumped into the lead by answering a question on molecular engineering for $1,000!

Do these jeans make my butt look too small?

I’m sorry, Boss, but I just wouldn’t feel right accepting that raise; you guys are paying me way too much already.

Instead of a two-minute email exchange between all necessary parties, can we please have a tedious, hour-long meeting to discuss at length the imaginary merits of your ridiculous proposal?  Can we, can we, can we?!

Gee, that mammogram felt amazing!  Can we do it again?

Okay, now it’s your turn . . . share your own “said no one ever” statements and make me snicker!  C’mon, you can do it!

“I would rather be at work than floating down the river,” said no one ever.

About icedteawithlemon

I have recently retired from a 30-year career in education in one of the best school districts in the world. I hope to spend my second life reading, writing, photographing, traveling, biking, cheering on my favorite baseball team (the St. Louis Cardinals), and soaking up glorious sunshine. In my spare time I enjoy playing with my pet tarantulas, trying out new flavors of chewing gum, and knitting socks for prison inmates. I'm almost positive that in a past life I was one of the Seven Dwarfs (most likely "Grumpy"), and in my next life I'm going to be either a taste tester for Hershey's or a model for Victoria's Secret's new line, "Bloomers for Boomers." I want to travel country back roads, singing Vanilla Ice songs at every karaoke bar and rating bathroom cleanliness at every truckstop. And someday I plan to own a private beach where skinny girls aren't allowed. I want to be a writer when I grow up. "Our truest life is when we are in dreams awake."--Henry David Thoreau
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20 Responses to Said No One Ever

  1. Jamie Adams says:

    “Thank you for talking so loudly on your cell phone at 6AM aboard public transportation. Everyone agrees that you should have that for dinner, and your ex-boyfriend is a pig.”

    • Ha! That’s a good one, Mr. Adams! I hate loud talking on cell phones regardless of the time or location; I have no desire to learn private (and usually incredibly boring) information about complete strangers–too much clutter upstairs already without adding such nonsense to it.

  2. Now that I have the chance to share my own “said no one ever” remark….I can’t think of one! go figure! I especially like yours; the one about the ‘spreading of lies’. That one really hits close to home!

    • I only wish I were as interesting as some of those rumors seem to suggest (or maybe I don’t!). I’m sorry that one hits close to home for you. I try very hard to listen for the meaning behind the message and to look for hidden motivations (and there are almost always hidden motivations)–which means that I end up not believing much of what I hear. I’m sure sometimes I’m wrong and should have listened, but I would rather give people the benefit of the doubt, especially when their private lives have absolutely no bearing on mine.

  3. Kip Light says:

    “Yeah, I guess George Clooney and Brad Pitt are okay–if you like pretty boys. But that Rodney Dangerfield–now, there’s a REAL hottie!”

    Just goes to show ya, he still “don’t get no respect”, even from the grave!

    For my contribution. “Hey those skin tight pink spandex tights, and that half a tank top look great on you [insert male or female name here] ! You look so much better since you got down to 350 pounds!”

    • Poor Rodney. And I love your contribution! When it comes to matters of attire, I’m a firm believer in leaving a lot to the imagination, and the reality of skin-tight clothing or clothing that is “barely there” is seldom a good thing–on anyone!

  4. Coming East says:

    I’m with Debbie. Can’t think of any off the top of my head, but yours were gut-busting! I was an educator, too, so my skills at sarcasm were also highly polished. Isn’t it funny that when we went for our education degree, we were told to never, ever be sarcastic to the kids. My kids loved it and expected it. And they could dish it right back.

    • Thank you, Coming East–so glad I could bust your gut! 😉 For most of my career, I worked with high school juniors and seniors, and they were typically mature enough to understand, appreciate and, yes, love the sarcasm–and it was usually easy to tell which ones didn’t and therefore to spare them the barbs. Thanks for stopping by–I’ll be sure to check out your site as well!

      • Coming East says:

        Good sarcasm takes talent. That’s why I enjoyed it when the kids could give it right back to me. I was never mean-spirited about it, and neither were they.

      • Agreed. My experience was the same–mutual respect allowed for occasional bouts of silliness and sarcasm with everyone still happy.

  5. You’re only 8 years old so you don’t need to clean your muddy soccer gear out of the bathroom – no, no, please, you sit down and relax in front of TV, I’ll do it…. , (now where is that 8 year old, he’s got a job to do)

  6. RayEtta says:

    What a fun entry. I certainly have a few things that bug me and one is people answering their cell phones while having (almost having) a conversation with you or someone else.

  7. Val says:

    I can’t think of one off hand but I love your post! I suppose ‘said no one ever’ has taken over from ‘not’! Weird that something longer has taken the place of something shorter, it’s usually the other way round! (I don’t use Facebook, used to but don’t anymore.)

  8. bronxboy55 says:

    “That Iced Tea with Lemon’s Blog is always such a disappointment. No sign of humor or creativity anywhere. I’m never coming back.”

    • Ha! I would be devastated and forced to consider boycotting that Mostly Bright Ideas blog for its complete lack of thought-provoking, insightful, and humorous commentary. (Who am I kidding?!)

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