Just Me Being Honest (Apologies in Advance)

You are hereby given fair warning that:

If you are texting on your cell phone while walking through a mall and accidentally fall head-first into the fountain, then people are going to laugh . . . a lot.  Instead of suing the mall because the security guards giggled, perhaps you should lighten up a little–and maybe pay a little closer attention to your surroundings. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZXYY_ep5Nh0)

If you pull out in front of me and then drive 15-20 miles an hour below the speed limit, then you have two options–either get used to me riding your bumper or do the polite thing and pull over.

If you forward me an email that requires me to send it on to my ten closest friends in order to experience true happiness, unlimited wealth, or substantial success, then expect me to hit “delete” and take my chances.  So far, so good.

If you notice I have exposed undergarments due to an errant zipper or defiant button, then please save me from additional embarrassment and tell me.  I would do the same for you.  (And if I discover the problem on my own, I will wonder why you didn’t tell me.)

If you ask me to proofread something for you (when you know that I am a former English teacher and that’s why you asked), then I have to assume you are wanting an honest assessment.  It really isn’t fair, then, for you to get upset or offended when I circle every misspelled word, misplaced comma, dangling modifier, verb tense shift, and sentence structure error.  Isn’t that what you wanted?

If you talk to me about football for more than a few minutes, then please forgive me in advance for the glazed look that will overtake my eyes and the yawn that will try desperately to escape through my lips.  I just can’t help it.  (And it may be the same way you feel when I start talking about baseball!)

If you need to pass gas, then please do it before getting into my car.

If you have multiple lip piercings, then I am probably going to do a double take.  Forgive me; I’m not being judgmental–really, I’m not.  I’m just curious.  Do you ever get food caught in them?  Have you ever snagged your toothbrush or fork (and did it hurt?)?  Does a strong gust of wind make them move?  Is the metal cold?  Is kissing weird?  Do you sleep with them in–and if so, have you had to change your sleep position because of them?  If you someday get tired of them and take them out, will the holes seal themselves or will they always be there?  (Don’t worry–I’m not going to ask, but I am going to wonder.)

If you meet me at the door and the first words out of your mouth are, “We have a problem,” then you have already put me on the defensive.  Couldn’t you at least say, “Hey, how’s it goin’?” or “Good morning!  How are you?” (even if you don’t really mean it) before ruining my day with our problem?

If you are one of the people who recently purchased a copy of Snooki’s novel, A Shore Thing, thereby propelling it to Number 24 on the extended New York Times Best Sellers List, then you perhaps have more money than brain cells.  Might I suggest a few investment opportunities?

If you call my house after 10 p.m. when I’m trying to sleep, then I just might call you back between 4-5 a.m. when you’re trying to sleep.  It’s only fair.

If you start a conversation with, “I know it’s none of my business, but I’m going to ask anyway,” then how do you expect me to respond?  If I say, “You’re right; it’s none of your business,” then I am probably going to anger you, even though I am only confirming what you already know.  If I politely tell you that I really can’t answer your question, then I am probably going to anger you, also.  So, my only option for keeping you happy is telling you something that you know you don’t have a right to know?  Not fair, not fair at all.

If you criticize or ridicule me simply because I am a woman (and a blonde one at that), then prepare to be terrorized in ways previously unimagined.  And, oh yeah, be prepared for me to haunt your dreams, too.

If you baby talk to your little yip-yip dog in front of me, then you might catch me rolling my eyes (sorry–involuntary reflex).

If you decide to get a phrase tattooed on your body, then realize that ink will most likely be there FOREVER–and check your spelling first.

Enough said.

About icedteawithlemon

I have recently retired from a 30-year career in education in one of the best school districts in the world. I hope to spend my second life reading, writing, photographing, traveling, biking, cheering on my favorite baseball team (the St. Louis Cardinals), and soaking up glorious sunshine. In my spare time I enjoy playing with my pet tarantulas, trying out new flavors of chewing gum, and knitting socks for prison inmates. I'm almost positive that in a past life I was one of the Seven Dwarfs (most likely "Grumpy"), and in my next life I'm going to be either a taste tester for Hershey's or a model for Victoria's Secret's new line, "Bloomers for Boomers." I want to travel country back roads, singing Vanilla Ice songs at every karaoke bar and rating bathroom cleanliness at every truckstop. And someday I plan to own a private beach where skinny girls aren't allowed. I want to be a writer when I grow up. "Our truest life is when we are in dreams awake."--Henry David Thoreau
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13 Responses to Just Me Being Honest (Apologies in Advance)

  1. SUE KLAYMAN says:

    LOVE IT! LOVE IT! – You took the words right out of my mouth and intelligently organized them in the best order possible. Since you’re home on snow days, could you possibly write some more to keep the rest of us entertained while we’re snow bound also?!!!!

  2. Jania says:

    Hahaha! Someone is feeling a little feisty! I totally agree with you though. The fountain lady could have saved the embarrassment if she would have kept her mouth shut. Like somebody said, 99.9999% of us wouldn’t have ever known the woman in that video is 49-year-old Cathy Cruz Marrero of Pennsylvania if she didn’t come forward. Lol!

  3. Sam Eubank says:

    I LOVE my tattoo! I’m so glad I got it! I don’t know if I could ever get a phrase though. Words of wisdom and ideals might change over time. Every time I see my tattoo though, I’m reminded of some of the REALLY great times I had when in Africa and it makes me happy. When I see people with multiple piercings I actually ask them those questions. You’d be surprised about what other parts they’ll openly tell you they have pierced. And, I actually openly make fun of people or rhetorically say, “Really?” when they start to baby-talk to their pets and/or children.

  4. rhonda newton says:

    Obviously, spell check didn’t catch the artist’s “delt.” Thank you for writing my song, once again.

  5. Oh, thank you for saying outloud what I feel inside some days (especially about the piercings and when my husband wakes me out of a deep sleep to tell me a problem).

    • You’re welcome! I have been a morning person my entire life, and anyone trying to talk to me after 9 p.m. is going to encounter a very grumpy and most likely incoherent individual (and I refuse to be held accountable for anything coming out of my mouth after 9 p.m.!).

  6. I feel better just from reading your post! I can’t imagine how much better you feel. Thanks for speaking for so many. A few of my honest thoughts:

    Mall Fountain Lady – get over yourself and have a laugh (also, did you notice that shoppers just kept walking after you made a splash?)

    Football Talking Person – shut it!

    Email Forwarding Person – after I delete your email, this is the reply that I don’t send to you: Stop forwarding this [insert bad word] to me!

    Multiple Lip Piercings Person – your mouth reminds me of a pin cushion I once knew

    Spelling Challenged Tatooed Person – you do not have a full deck

    Ahhhh, liberating!

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