What I Really Want to Say

I seldom say what’s really on my mind.  It’s not that I lie; I frequently just don’t say anything at all.  Sometimes I remain quiet because I just don’t think of the right thing to say in the appropriate amount of time, but more often I’m silent because I don’t have the courage to say what I really think.  I don’t want to offend anyone.  My mom and grandma both tried to teach me to be a lady, and according to them, ladies are always tactful and polite, non-confrontational and kind.

Sometimes being a lady sucks.

So with apologies to Mom and Grandma, here’s what I really want to say:

Dear Charlie Sheen:                                                                                                                      Get help.  Grow up.  It really is that simple.

Dear Skinny Girl in the String Bikini:                                                                                             I was here first.  Get off my beach.  And take all your skinny little friends with you.  (And that fat guy in the Speedo who’s been slobbering all over himself while watching you prance up and down the beach–yeah, take him with you, too.)

Dear Disgruntled Wal-Mart Customer:                                                                                     It’s the holidays–peace and good cheer, remember?  It’s not the cashier’s fault you’ve been waiting in line for 15 minutes, it’s not her fault you couldn’t find half of what was on your list because you couldn’t manuever through the crowds, and it’s not her fault Fluffy’s favorite canned dog food went up 29¢ since last week.  Can’t you see she’s having a long day with no end in sight?  Leave her alone and take your cranky ol’ self on home now.

Dear Zac:                                                                                                                                   Oldest child of mine, you are dearest to my heart, and you have always been my favorite (but please don’t tell your brothers).

Dear Waitress:                                                                                                                            Why, yes, I believe I will have dessert.  Triple chocolate cheesecake, perhaps?  Life is too short to always skip dessert, right?

Dear Small-Town Cop with Little Man Syndrome:                                                                    I have great respect for law enforcement officials who every day put their lives on the line to protect me and all the other citizens of this great country.  I also realize that I deserve a speeding ticket for driving 40 mph in a 35 mph zone through “your” town.  I’m guilty, I’m caught, and I will pay my fine.  However (just so you know), I’ve been driving longer than you’ve been alive, and this is my very first speeding ticket, so is it really necessary for you to lecture me and to threaten to sentence me to driving school if I ever speed through “your” town again?  I don’t think so.  (And by the way, Punk, your pants are unzipped.)

Dear Lady Buying Cigarettes in the Convenience Store:                                                       I’m assuming the small child you are carrying on your hip is yours.  Perhaps you have not noticed, but his clothes are filthy, and his little face is smeared with dirty, dried snot.  If you can afford to buy cigarettes, you can afford to buy soap.  I’m just saying. 

Dear Sam:                                                                                                                                       My blessed middle child, you are dearest to my heart, and you have always been my favorite (but please don’t tell your brothers). 

Dear State of California:                                                                                                              First I read about Gov. Arnold Schwarzeneger announcing that welfare recipients can no longer use state-issued debit cards at medical marijuana shops, psychics, bail bond establishments, bingo halls, cruise ships and tattoo parlors.  Really?  Shouldn’t that have been understood from the beginning?   No wonder your state is in financial distress.  Then I heard that more than 1,000 rats (that’s right–rats!) had been “rescued” from a California home featured on the show, Hoarders.  The rats were transported to a local pet store and are currently awaiting adoption.  Seriously?  In my neck of the woods, we kill the disease-carrying rodents.  That’s just weird. 

Dear Elizabeth Edwards:                                                                                                                   I am saddened to hear that you have lost the battle against breast cancer.  You were an inspiration to millions of women, and I admired you for your courage, your dignity, and your class.  May peace be with you.

Dear Doctor:                                                                                                                                Please stop telling me that I need to “eliminate” some of the stress in my life.  I have my job, my husband, and my children; which of these are you suggesting I eliminate?  Perhaps instead you could advise me on how to better handle the stressors in my life–but what do I know?  I’m just the patient.

Dear Dressing Room Attendant:                                                                                               Seriously, if I needed your help, I would ask for it.  Please stop opening the dressing room door while I’m changing clothes; you’re creeping me out.  (And if I had known my semi-nude body was going to be on display today, I would have worn better underwear!)

Dear Ms. Payne, Wherever You Are:                                                                                              In your senior English comp class so long ago, you taught me how to be a better writer and how to be a stronger woman.  Thanks for your wisdom and encouragement, and thanks especially for telling me that the only thing a man could do that I couldn’t was pee on a wall (and why would I want to do that anyway?!).

Dear Lucas:                                                                                                                                      My beautiful youngest child, you are dearest to my heart, and you have always been my favorite (but please don’t tell your brothers). 

Dear Julian Assange of WikiLeaks Fame:                                                                                       I am a firm believer in freedom of speech and freedom of the press.  However, I also believe that with every freedom comes responsibility.  When you knowingly released information that would endanger the lives of countless innocent people, you acted irresponsibly, and therefore I agree with those who are now trying to deprive you of your freedoms.  Sorry dude.

Dear Ralph Waldo and Henry David:                                                                                         For a couple of old guys who died well over 100 years ago, you guys still rock!  Thanks for all the inspiration!

Dear Weight Watchers:                                                                                                                                                                                                                   Do you have any weight loss programs for middle-aged women who would like to lose about 20 pounds but don’t want to work that hard?

Dear Local TV Weatherman:                                                                                                 Please stop toying with my emotions.  First you tell me there’s a good chance of snow next Sunday night, and I’m already dreaming of a possible Monday morning school cancellation.  Then you take the snow completely out of your forecast.  Then you put it back in but on Saturday instead.  And now you’re telling me that the snow will most likely stay to the north.  You’re killing me!

Dear Lady Gaga:                                                                                                                               A dress of raw meat–are you kidding me?  Thank you for helping me to realize that I’m not that weird after all.

About icedteawithlemon

I have recently retired from a 30-year career in education in one of the best school districts in the world. I hope to spend my second life reading, writing, photographing, traveling, biking, cheering on my favorite baseball team (the St. Louis Cardinals), and soaking up glorious sunshine. In my spare time I enjoy playing with my pet tarantulas, trying out new flavors of chewing gum, and knitting socks for prison inmates. I'm almost positive that in a past life I was one of the Seven Dwarfs (most likely "Grumpy"), and in my next life I'm going to be either a taste tester for Hershey's or a model for Victoria's Secret's new line, "Bloomers for Boomers." I want to travel country back roads, singing Vanilla Ice songs at every karaoke bar and rating bathroom cleanliness at every truckstop. And someday I plan to own a private beach where skinny girls aren't allowed. I want to be a writer when I grow up. "Our truest life is when we are in dreams awake."--Henry David Thoreau
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26 Responses to What I Really Want to Say

  1. Love it!! Now I feel a lot pressure to go tell someone exactly what I think! Like Guggenhiem and his Waiting for Superman treat of a film. I still have lots to say about about that. I’d also really like to give a piece of my mind to the owners of Maria’s Cafe downtown, too, for changing from Coke products to Pepsi. It throws off my whole Mexican dining experience. I just can’t drink Diet Pepsi. And then, sometimes I want to go off on the waiter/waitress for suggesting the opposite of what I ordered when they don’t have the products I want. We all should really lash out more I think…you’re on to something.

    • Casey, I used to fantasize about being a soap opera villainess just so I could always tell people exactly what I thought of them! But then, I’ve met a few people like that, and they don’t seem very happy! (And my school is changing from Coke to Pepsi over Christmas–no more Diet Dr. Pepper for me!)

  2. rhonda newton says:

    Touche’, ditto, etc. Except for your boys, you are writing my life! Have a most wonderful day!

  3. Jamie says:

    Awesome! I am not sure which parts to specifically cite… it was all good! I had a good chuckle this morning. In the future, when you’re among friends don’t be afraid to voice some of these opinions — don’t wait to blog it. That would be motivation estranged Ozark residents to return just to be in your company with a glass of wine or beer for a good laugh! I’d also like to give a shout out to Ralph and Henry!

  4. Sam says:

    I always knew I was your favorite. I won’t tell the others.

    And P.S. Your English Teacher was wrong about something I’ve witnessed, so I guess that means there isn’t anything a woman can’t do that a man can. I would go into detail, but I’m wondering if I should save that for the chapter in my memoir called “Walking Home from the Bars in a College Town.”

    • Thanks for keeping my secret! And you just made me laugh out loud this morning! I would probably really enjoy reading that memoir, if I could forget while reading it that it was written by my son!

  5. bobcb518 says:

    With the exception of the boys, like Rhonda, I can relate. This was the perfect blog for me to read the first thing in the morning. Down to Earth + Common Sense + Wisdom = a great post.

  6. Jana Dobson says:

    Jamie was right! I’ve had my morning chuckle and you were right on SO many counts. I will also vouch for Sam’s claim, I’ve seen it done. No, it was not me!

  7. Janet says:

    Having your say on ~here~ is a good way to get these opinions out in the open–it lets us have a laugh AND it keeps your lady status intact. I, on the other hand, have often NOT known when to keep my mouth shut and have regretted it later. There ARE benefits that go along with being the reserved type.

  8. homesteadramblings says:

    Thank you for a hearty smile this morning.

  9. bronxboy55 says:

    Honesty, humor, humility, logic, and sensitivity. What a perfect combination. How you worked it all into one post, I don’t know. But thank you.

  10. Mary Schlicht says:

    i think Sam’s my favorite too. probably because we’re the most alike.

  11. Your post is hilarious and has made me want to unleash the real me! Raised as a door mat, and then taught to sweep everything under the rug, I’m a pro at stuffing it. But I’m sorry for anyone in my path today who ticks me off or hasn’t had a piece of my mind in umpteen years. I’m gonna let ’em have it! Um, well, er, no, maybe not. My face will turn red, which isn’t good for my middle-aged Rosacea, and which hasn’t been helped by all the junk my dermatologist has prescribed for me. Hmmm, maybe I’ll just let that doctor have it … in a letter. Nah. Can’t do it. Now, my husband on the other hand … I’ve never held back with him. Won’t he be a sorry man when he wakes up today! 😉 BTW, love your letters to your children!

    • Thank you, thank you, thank you! I’m sure if I could always say what I’m really thinking, my blood pressure would drop tremendously–but I don’t think I would be any happier. It’s just been too ingrained in me to try to be nice (I’m not saying I always succeed at that, but I try!). Have a great day!

  12. Teri says:

    You are simply too fabulous for words Iced Tea. Forget about being a nice girl. I order you to speak your mind openly and often. And please let me know when you do – I want a front row seat to cheer you on!!

    • When I get really, really angry, I subconsciously start spewing really, really big words–words like “vituperative” and “sanctimonious” and “supercilious”–and after a moment or two I realize that the object of my wrath is looking at me with a confused expression (like “What the heck are you talking about?”–and sometimes I’m not sure I even know!). It probably WOULD be funny to sit on the front row to witness that exchange!

  13. Debbie says:

    Loved it…. Your post, as always was right on the money….except for one thing: Did you know that rats make really good pets? Most people opt for hamsters as pets for their small children but hamsters are very temperamental (and they bite!) Rats make much better pets for kids because they are so sweet and lovable! Really! Also, they are very clean….they tend to clean themselves more often than a cat. Just so you know. LOL. :0)

    • No, I didn’t know that, but I’m not surprised. When my kids were young, we started with hamsters (always escaping, nasty disposition), then we moved on to guinea pigs (adorable but nasty), and then we ended up with pet mice (perfect!). Thanks for the info–I will try to have kinder thoughts toward rats!

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